Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson: a postmodern morality play...

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Well, they'll stone ya when you're trying to be so good
They'll stone ya just a-like they said they would
They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to go home
Then they'll stone ya when you're there all alone

But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned.

-Bob Dylan, Rainy Day Women #12 & 35

Although a number of men I'm close to have loved the show for quite some time, yesterday in our pastors meeting I was told Duck Dynasty is one of the most popular TV shows of all time, and I was floored. I've never really gotten reality shows. More recently I haven't gotten FB, either. Everybody shouting at their friends that they just went gluten-free. Scintillating ain't it?

So yeah, the Robertsons are fun and I'd like to blow their duck call once or twice to hear why it made them rich. Is it "Queeeeaaaaaaaaauuuck" or just "Quack Quack?"

In fact, Duck Dynasty's success is mostly about money... {C}

The Robertsons' schtick is that you can be a real redneck from way down Looosiana way and get rich and famous just being yourself. Right here in the middle of the good ol US of A, we're still here, y'all.

But then there's that Christian thing. What's that about?

For some, it's the main course. When Phil and his family give their testimonies, that's us. We were sunk deep in the muck of our own wickedness, without hope or a future in this world and the next. We were betraying our loved ones and on the highway to Hell when the merciful God reached waaay down, lifted us out, set our feet on a high rock, and saved us. Hearing Phil tell it, our hearts skip for joy to hear Jesus glorified. Yeah Phil's not much for the historic Christian church, and what little church he gives himself to is heretical. But he loves Jesus and so do I—heart, soul, mind, and strength.

But now what?

Phil's gone and said he thinks every sane man prefers to make love to a woman, and one woman who is his wife rather than copulating with a whole bunch of women, animals, or the backsides of men. Even at this late date, way back there in redneck turf where you can get lost in the swamps and tidal basins some things remain fixed and clear. Who wants to rut with a man when you can make love to your wife?

Then Phil really went and did it. I quote:

"Don't be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers — they won't inherit the kingdom of God. Don't deceive yourself. It's not right."

You know how I've been warning that they'll say we can have our religion in private and then make sure we're never alone? Everyone thought Duck Dynasty was a reality show, and you know what?

It is.

As a private American citizen who belongs to Jesus Christ, Phil quoted God to GQ magazine more accurately than the English Standard Version quotes God, so Phil's been fired. (Well, actually, indefinitely suspended, but we'll see.)

No wonder the ESV scaredy cats toned it down. You quote God accurately today and your peers in the chattering class accuse you of firing a broadside in the culture wars which is tolerated by no one, never.

You do know that President Obama's hate crime legislation was never about protecting life, let alone freedom of speech or religion, don't you? He and his henchman are simply out to gag Jesus Christ as well as every man who loves Him and His Word. The purpose of hate crime legislation is to make martyrs of true Christians, removing them from civil society while not yet killing them. When they said "culture wars," they really meant "war."

First, Christians running for public office learned they couldn't get elected if they quoted God. Then Christian public servants learned they couldn't keep their jobs if their pastor quoted God. Next, Christian profs learned they couldn't get tenure if they quoted God on their blogs or FB pages, Christian police officers learned they couldn't keep their job if they quoted God to their partner in their patrol cars, Christian docs learned they couldn't quote God to their patients, and Christian students learned they couldn't quote God in their speeches or papers.

So why would a redneck think he could get way with quoting God? I mean really! Have we all been in a coma? Can't we read the times? Hasn't anyone been sounding a clear note? Doesn't anyone know history at all?

Yesterday the hucksters we invite into our living rooms and onto our computer screens suspended Duck Dynasty's patriarch, Phil Robertson, from his show.

Turns out it's not Phil's show or our show. It's their show. The spawn of Woody Allen who run the Arts and Entertainment Network have given Phil the boot for the offense of quoting God right there in his own life. Speaking for God is a hate crime now, and that's the real reality show.

Duck Dynasty provided the biggest national screen possible for gagging God. So now, every Christian in America has learned the lesson that, if you preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ, you'll get what Phil Robertson got. So shut up, you fool. Zip it! Some things are best said in the privacy of your own home. Or prayer closet.

Unless, of course, you're like Phil Robertson and you've invited Hollywood cameras into your home and prayer closet. Then, you're outta luck 'cause you're never alone.

So now, Phil's gone.

You better listen up, dude. Tell your loudmouth preacher he's gonna get you in trouble if he doesn't tone it down. You forget your church's sermons are up on the web. Think your boss or the human resources people haven't checked your church's sermons out? Of course they have.

Those sophisticated Christians were right all along. Gotta pull in your horns and smush yourself into your prayer closet.

Find an inoffensive church.

Hogtie your pastor.

Like the man said, if we keep quoting Jesus, "everybody must get stoned."

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(More on this subject.)

Tim Bayly

Tim serves Clearnote Church, Bloomington, Indiana. He and Mary Lee have five children and big lots of grandchildren.

Want to get in touch? Send Tim an email!