Advertising Sorcery
(Tim: a series on beliefs about spirit beings in Zambian culture by David Wegener)
Editors note: Here is a lightly edited version of an advertisement for a Traditional Healer (taken off a tree) in our neighborhood. This doctor knows his clientele and the items he mentions are typical reasons why people come to see him. I'm still not totally sure what #9 means.
Traditional Healer
Dr. ________
HERBS FROM AFRICA. HE WILL TELL YOUR PROBLEMS USING SPIRITUAL POWERS BEFORE YOU TELL HIM
CONSULTATION FEE IS K20,000 ONLY.
1. BRING BACK YOUR LOST LOVERS.
2. WE HELP BEWITCHED PEOPLE.
3. REMOVE BAD LUCK.
4. WE HELP PEOPLE WHO CANNOT PRODUCE.
5. WE HELP PEOPLE WITH HIV/AIDS SYMPTOMS.
6. TO WIN COURT CASES.
7. STOP YOUR LOVER FROM CHEATING ON YOU.
8. SUCCESS AND PROMOTION.
9. THINGS MOVING IN YOUR BODY.
10. BRING BACK STOLEN PROPERTY.
11. MENSTRATION PAIN.
12. BLOOD PRESSURE, TB, DIABETES.
13. ENLARGEMENT CREAM AND MAN POWER.
14. BUSINESS ATTRACTION.
15. NAME THE DISEASE.
16. FOR ANY ASSISTANCE CALL DR _________ ON
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Thank goodness we in the enlightened West are so faaaaar beyond all this superstition.
No wait, scratch that. I forgot about Choprah and Oprah (just to start the list).
Very sad.
Reads like my SPAM folder.
Now I'm going to start worrying about Things Moving in My Body...
Things moving in my body -- tapeworms and such?
Sue, my original thought was worms. So, "things moving in your body" would be a bad thing. We have to de-worm ourselves from time to time.
But then there are also things that are supposed to move, like your heart, and ahh, let's just say, food. So here, "things moving in your body" would be a good thing. Maybe we're talking about a cure for occasional irregularity.
Eric, you're starting to sound like (What About) Bob.
David,
How about putting a little Metamucil in the O.J. and eating breakfast cereal with more fiber than Corn Chex instead of visiting the good doctor?
"~Things~ moving ..."
Surely this phenomenal language may be misleading, and is almost certainly so for the prospective clients of this Kenyan healer. Gases, vapors, and similarly fluid "things" easily reproduce the unmistakeable sensations of truly solid objects on the move.
I wonder how much of the Kenyan healer's market would vanish with widespread distribution of Beano?
Couple good Taco Bells in Ndola should cure that problem.
...or make a lot more business for this guy.
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