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Monkey see, monkey do...

by David and Tim Bayly on September 1, 2010 - 7:19am

(Tim, w/thanks to David W.) If you've travelled to sub-Saharan Africa, you know baboons aren't cute. Now they've infiltrated the wine country around Cape Town and some of them are drunk. Too many evenings observing the white natives at their soirees. The monkeys have decided to get liquid, too.

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Throw the radio in the bathtub

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Submitted by David Baker on September 1, 2010 - 9:08am

If these monkeys catch on so well, perhaps shooting a few of the little rascals would do the trick. A little ruling and subduing goes a long way. Of course this will never do because terrorized people in no way have the same rights as baboons.

“God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”” Genesis 1:28, NAS95.

Submitted by David J. Wegener on September 1, 2010 - 10:40am

Ahh, David, of course, you're right. But that won't work in Cape Town. Parts of it are a little like Madison or Berkeley or even Bloomington.

We were down at Cape Pointe once (near Cape Town) and there was an Indian mother, holding her two-year old, in the back seat of her car, door wide open. The little guy was holding a bag of potato chips and eating them.

A baboon got in the back seat and stole the chips and ran away, scaring them half to death. I ran at him and then aimed a big rock at him but missed. The only thing the guards on duty could do was shoot rocks at the critter with a sling-shot. No one hit him.

Another time, we had just walked up some steps from a beach at the same place. Terri, John and Mary were way ahead of us by about 150 yards. Then Lizzie was about 20 yards away from Sarah and me. I was tying Sarah's shoe or something, when all of a sudden, a large baboon came at us. He saw we didn't have any food so he ran right on by, pretty fast.

About all I could manage was to call out "Lizzie," and she just froze. The baboon passed her by and headed up the slope toward Terri and the others. We yelled as loud as we could to get their attention and then they saw the baboon coming for them.

They got off the path and Terri aimed a water bottle at him and squirted him and they tried to look muscular. He veered off the path, saw/smelled they didn't have any food and ran right on by. Probably some Indian kid lost some chips again.

What we need are some Baker men and Baker boys to come over here. I'm sure you could "make a plan," create a diversion and kill off a few hundred and then get back on a plane and get out of Dodge.

Submitted by David Baker on September 1, 2010 - 4:41pm

Operation Stealth Monkey has begun. To be poetic about it we'll use harpoons so our weapon rhymes with our prey.

Submitted by Chantal I. on September 1, 2010 - 5:14pm

Have humans been encroaching upon the baboons natural habitat? Not that that would excuse them, or give you reason not to kill any---please don't think I'm saying that at all. If that's the case however, that they ARE being forced out of their natural habitat, then you shouldn't be surprised that they'd resort to stealing human food and stuff like that. You can also blame that on the idiot humans who think it's fun to feed wild animals. (those people drive me nuts!) Whatever the case--best of luck with however they are dealth with!

Submitted by Bike Bubba on September 2, 2010 - 5:36am

Regarding shooting them; I'm under the impression that South Africa has enacted fairly strict gun control--and the murder rate (higher than that of DC) shows it.

And with apologies to the Wegeners, sometimes what dirty hippies in Boulder and such get in natural consequences....serves 'em right.

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