Cracks about crackers...

(Tim) Personally, I could never figure out why anyone other than sadists would listen to Laura Schlessinger, and anyone other than masochists would call her. But what she said about the double standard and absence of a sense of proportion in relations between whites and blacks is true.

As long as the chattering classes are free to use race-baiting to attack conservative whites, and blacks play along with this national morality play, it will continue to be black vs. white across our nation. But make no mistake: no one respects divers or refs who pretend not to notice. We call them Italians.

Despite having a partially black president, racism is alive and well across America. You can tell by...

how humorless and surreal we are with each other. No racial jokes allowed. Too many weak and insecure liberals who don't laugh at nothing, never and no-how.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That's not funny.

Hawaii is the most polyglot place on earth and Hawaiians tell me everyone makes jokes about all the other races and ethnic groups. Get it: they make fun of each other.

Call the jokes "howlers about Haolies" and I'll laugh. So why can't you?

* * *

Living with a bunch of blacks the first three years of marriage, here's a goodun my friends would tell:

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to keep the martinis cold.



From one howlie to another:

How many Boulderites does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Instead, they form a support group to explore why they aren't comfortable sitting in the dark.

We were discussing a related issue the other night - the relative generosity of conservatives v. liberals. In terms of charitable giving, the "tightest" county in Colorado is . . . Boulder.

Likely it has nothing to do with liberals. It's just that there's little left after all those trips to McGuckin...

Ack! You just had to mention McGuckin's didn't you?

Now you know what's going to happen on Friday after I have lunch with the girls, don't you?



Two Zambians were walking down one of the aisles in ShopRite, our main grocery store. One of them said to the other, "this place is so messy."

"You're right," the other replied. "Dirt and trash all over the place. We need to get some western donors to come over and clean this up."

Told by the Master of Ceremonies at an NGO meeting here in town. Terri and I were about the only whites in the place.

Are we sure Boulder is the tighter community than Aspen? :^)

And isn't it "haole"? I had to sound that one out before I got it..... [NOTE FROM TIM: Different sites have different spellings. I've changed it to the Urban Dictionary's "Haolies."]

....and I joke about my frugality by referring to my last name as McVandeVonPerryWitz. Haven't quite figured out how to include other worthy frugal nations in this, sad to say. (Chinese joke about their frugality, too, and I'm guessing others)

....and I'm also proud to know both clean Sven and Ole jokes.

Christians aren't immune from this sort of hypersensitivity. Make a joke about homeschooled or classically-educated teenage boys (You can see them comin' from a mile away...) or crack a joke about prairie-muffin young girls... nothing's LESS humorous in conservative Christian circles than these sorts of things.

We take ourselves WAY too seriously.

Political liberals aren't alone... not by a long shot!

Q: How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one: he holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Is it ok to say about one of my customers "he Jewed me when we discussed the price of my service?" This is the only thing that comes to mind when I am thinking about these things, and being partly Jewish, I may have special allowance to use the term.

Or is this term in the same category as the N word? Or further, are some jokes in this category as well? Just asking.

Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?

A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

Archie, that is too funny.

Q: Do you know why Episcopalians are lousy at chess?

A: The can't tell the difference between a Bishop and a Queen!

Q: What's the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist?

A: A Methodist will speak to you in the liquor store.

And lest we leave out our own kind.....

Q: What does a Calvinist say after falling down a flight of stairs?

A: Thank goodness that's over with!

As far as home schoolers with a sense of humor, I was glad to find this example:

I thought it was funny even before I knew Tim Hawkins' kids really are home schooled.

Q. How many Pentecostals does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. None. They just gather together and cast out the spirit of darkness!

(I used to be one)

Also, since I have also been an Anglican, this gem from England:

When we drink to the dear old Queen/save a drop for the queer old dean!


An Anglican is someone who nails his colours to the fence

Q. How many homeschoolers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Well, first Mom gets them in the minivan to go to the library to check out books about Thomas Edison, glass-blowing......and eventually they get around to cutting down some tree branches to make a ladder, blow the bulb....

Re: Ross' joke: you know where four episcopalians are gathered, there's a fifth.

Dear BB,

Real Home School families wont fit in a MINI van...



I used to know a pastor whose church helped him buy a 15-passenger can. Last I heard they had 8 children.



Actually, up here in Minnesota, the "official" car at homeschool conferences is a minivan, preferably battered, with a trailer hitch. Mine is getting there....

>Actually, up here in Minnesota, the "official" car at homeschool conferences is a minivan, preferably battered, with a trailer hitch. Mine is getting there....

Preferably with a plow.

What part of the state are you in?

If the people who are the butt of the joke are hurt, Jesus wouldn't have told the joke.

Follow the same rule and you'll be OK.

TGW, everybody has to START somewhere.

Let me guess, Janine -- you're a feminist. Right?

Yeah. Jesus never hurt anyone's feelings. Like when he called the Pharisees "brood of vipers" or "white washed tombs."

Sometimes a well placed barb is exactly what is needed to point out a place of pride in my life. There is truth in humor and it can be used well.

Q: What did the Buddhist order at the hot dog stand?

A: One with everything.

Q: Why can't Buddhists sweep under their couches?

A: They have no attachments.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fish

Is nobody going to accuse Denver Todd of becoming Jewish for the jokes?

Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

A: Dr. Dre

David; southern, obviously. :^) (we eat grits with our lutefisk!)

Janine, that works until one realizes that there are certain classes of people who specialize in taking offense to things which are clearly not meant in that manner.

On the other hand, I remember being one of few caucasians at a mostly Chinese church in LA and being told this joke:

Q. How do we know that Adam and Eve weren't Chinese?

A. They would have eaten the snake.

(it took me a few minutes before I realized that yes, I could laugh at that joke in their presence)

Here's the whole Buddhist joke:

Buddhist goes to a hot dog stand, and tells vendor, "Make me one with everything." He hands the vendor a $5, and the vendor hands him a hot dog. Buddhist says, "Where's my change?" Vendor answers, "Change comes from within."

I have a hard time reading "brood of vipers" and "white-washed tombs" as attempts at humor.

Here's a white-washed joke:

A black boy walks into a school with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the teacher, "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"

"Africa," says the parrot.

Is this funny to anyone?

JK -
I thought it was hilarious!

Q. If homosexuals are allowed to "marry", what will it be called when they divorce?

A. Gay abandon?

"If the people who are the butt of the joke are hurt, Jesus wouldn't have told the joke." Amen. And when He spoke of vipers he wasn't joking.

Some of the jokes above are simply humor. But some are not. When in doubt, don't tell the joke.

Because the Bible has something to say about foolish jesting that is out of place.

There once was a very wealthy gentleman, who was getting along in life. As he aged, he began to worry about what would become of his fortune when he died. So one day, he gathered his three most trusted companions and advisers, his lawyer, his doctor, and his preacher.

To each he gave an envelope. He said, "In each of your envelopes, you will find $1,000,000. I am entrusting it to you until my death. At my funeral, you will discretely put your envelope in my casket." He added, with great confidence in his plan, "I'm taking it with me."

Several months later, the old millionaire took ill, and died shortly thereafter.

At the funeral, many people lined up to pass by the casket. The old man's three faithful companions did likewise, each one with a lengthy pause at the open casket as if expressing their great grief and respect.

At the wake, the preacher arrived to find his two friends alone in the corner as if overcome with remorse. He attempted to comfort them.

The lawyer, unable to hide his guilt any longer, blurted out, "You don't understand! When he gave me that envelope, I could not stand the thought of putting all that money in the ground to rot. I kept $500,000 to start a legal aid center to help the disadvantaged."

The doctor, likewise spoke up. "I kept out $750,000 to fund a research facility."

The preacher considered each of his friends' confessions. He frowned and seemed to be praying silently. Finally, he spoke up, "Boys, I must say that I am disappointed in you. I'll have you know that I put a check for the full $1,000,000 in that casket!"

>Is it ok to say about one of my customers "he Jewed me when we discussed the price of my service?" This is the only thing that comes to mind when I am thinking about these things, and being partly Jewish, I may have special allowance to use the term.

In our family we use the phrase "Presbyterian them down" when speaking of this sort of negotiation.

I had an interesting reverse racism moment at the Toledo Art Musuem the other day.

I take my kids to the family center on occasion. It costs $5 to park...but, some people donated a bunch of parking tokens so people wouldn't have to pay...because many who go to family center are lower income.

Anyhoo...a black lady asks where she needs to go to buy the $5 token...the worker tells her she doesn't have to buy one because someone donated tokens. She goes on to assure the black woman to never pay for one...and to not let this "experience" of almost paying for one keep her from coming back. Ends with hugs and kisses.

Five minutes later...I (white male...nicely dressed thank you) go up to the same woman and ask for one of the tokens. She gives me a cold stern look and says, "Well, technically you're supposed to pay for that."

I responded, "Well, technically your reverse racism is very unbecoming." I bring to her attention I am aware of how she treated the black woman and so she begrudingly gives me the token.

Ends with my daughter asking me what unbecoming means.

Mr. Kudzia,

She probably didn't give you a hug and a kiss either. You should have also accused her of "reverse sexism."

More respectfully, J/K.

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