How many children should we have?
...if she has brought up children... 1Timothy 5:10
Pastors, elders, and older women are often asked for counsel concerning birth control and the place of fertility in the Christian home and marriage. Whether in premarital counseling, home visitation, or women's Bible studies, questions are raised concerning God's will in the timing and frequency of childbirth. Such questions are spiritual in nature and present church leaders with a wonderful opportunity to lead Christian husbands and wives into a deeper understanding of the Biblical meaning and purpose of womanhood, manhood, sex, and marriage.
Years ago, my wife, Mary Lee, and I had the pleasure of announcing that Mary Lee was "with child" for the fifth time. The little one then nestled in his mother's womb (whom today we know as our high school junior, Taylor Isaiah Bayly) was a wonderful gift from God. As with our other four children, we were grateful to God for His good gift. When we announced the pregnancy, though, we knew there were some who wondered, "Why another one? Aren't four enough? How many are you going to have, anyway?"
Though part of the reason Mary Lee and I had children is that we liked children, we also believed raising godly offspring has always been at the heart of God's purpose for marriage...
Antediluvian as this may sound to late twentieth century ears, Scripture teaches it and we believed it.
Mary Lee and I both come from large families. Mary Lee's mother gave birth to ten children and my own mother gave birth to seven. So both of us were blessed to be born into homes where children were loved and there were plenty of brothers and sisters.Although the size of our families made us more open to having a large family ourselves, personal experience was not the ultimate reason we continued to have children, ourselves. Rather, the truth we returned to again and again was that children are a blessing from the Lord. When a husband and wife are told the pregnancy test came back positive, they're not discovering an accident of nature, but an act of God.
Scripture teaches that clouds, fields, orchards, and livestock bear fruit only as God wills it. If He desires to discipline men He withholds these gifts. If He desires to bless, His grace takes the form of rain, corn, grapes, calves... So also in our homes. When an expectant mother feels the gentle jab of her baby's legs she is feeling a form of God's grace and love.
Lo, sons are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the sons of one's youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. (Psalm 127:35)
Blessed is every one who fears the LORD, who walks in his ways! You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be happy, and it shall be well with you. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Lo, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the LORD. (Psalm 128:14)
If we accept Scripture's teaching that children are a blessing from God, what would constitute a proper justification for the limitation of these blessings?
Just asking the question takes us a long way toward answering it. If Christians are to seek God's gifts and blessings, our fundamental attitude toward the gift of babies should be to pursue--not to reject--them.
When the disciples tried to push the children away because Jesus was too important and busy for them, Jesus indignantly rebuked His disciples and welcomed the little ones:
...He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these...." And He took the children in His arms, put His hands on them and blessed them. (Mark 10:14b16)
"But," you might ask, "what about world population trends? Isn't it irresponsible to have more than two children when babies in Africa are starving."
The truth is, world hunger doesn't derive from a surplus of children. Rather it's the result of a deficit of human love and compassion.
The answer to hunger isn't fewer children. Nor is it right for the well-fed to mandate such a solution to the have-nots of the world. Jesus said, "I was hungry and you fed me;" not, "I was hungry and you made a contribution to Planned Parenthood on my behalf."
Many Americans stop after one or two children voicing concern about world hunger, yet how many of these men and women use the money and time saved by their decision to adopt a special needs child, or to become foster parents--or even to feed the starving, for that matter?
Years ago, I helped officiate a wedding service in a Mennonite farm community in central Kansas. The bride was the next to youngest of twelve children. While there, I stayed at the home of another family from their church with eight children. What impressed me about the families I met that weekend was the love I saw between the parents and their children. And during the weekend I heard of a number of children in the church who were foster children or adopted.
For instance, the bride's father pointed out a young man seated at the dinner table Sunday after church who was married to one of his daughters. He told me this young man had been taken in by one of the church's families when he was just a boy. When he was all alone a godly family had opened their home to him and he had received their name and love. Another family had just taken in two foster children. Is it merely an accident that families with eight and twelve children find room, food, and love enough to take in the castoffs?
Sin often disguises itself as virtue, so it's not surprising people often argue, "it's good stewardship to have fewer children." But this makes God's gift out to be sinful and the rejection of Divine grace an act of righteousness. The Scriptural truth is that children are a blessing from God--red and yellow, black and white; they are precious in His sight.
Some people use the scrimping that's often necessary in large families as an argument against them. "Mothers and fathers have a limited supply of energy, patience, and love," they say. "Parents shouldn't have more children than they can care for properly."
But wait a minute: since when have smaller families produced better-adjusted children than the children of larger families? Consider for instance John and Charles Wesley with seventeen siblings; their mother, Susanna, with twenty-four...
Examples like this abound. Family size has no correlation to a child's spiritual health. In fact, the one clear advantage in the whole equation is the unique ability of large families to pass on some of the greatest of human virtues: sharing, helping, listening, being patient, giving up one's individualism for the sake of the group. Yet in America today this storehouse of virtue is being ransacked.
The number of one-child families in the United States has increased 50% over the last two decades. What effect will such a drastic decrease in the size of our families have on the moral development of our children?
Throughout history Christians have acknowledged God's command "be fruitful and multiply" to be binding: for millennia, bearing children has been viewed, not as a matter of preference, but as an act of obedience.
Historically, the Christian church has maintained there are three purposes for marriage.
The Westminster Confession reflects this tradition when it teaches marriage to have been ordained by God for:
- The mutual help of husband and wife.
- The safeguarding, undergirding, and development of their moral and spiritual character.
- The propagation of children and the rearing of them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Martin Luther faced cultural pressures against childbirth in the church of his day similar to the pressures we feel in our time. Addressing the problem head on, he rebuked those, "who seem to detest giving birth lest the bearing and rearing of children disturb their leisure."
There is no shame in childbearing: not once, not twice, not ten or twenty times. God tells us He seeks a Godly seed from His people. Who are we to deny His desire?
It may seem foolish to talk about what the justifications are for the arrival of one more child, but the arrival of any child in any home or marriage causes us to reexamine the basic commitments upon which our lives are built.
The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. Rocking the cradle ought, therefore, to be at the center of the priorities of the People of God.
This Mother's Day poem was written by my father for his wife, my mother, many years back, and I reprint it here as a tribute to my Mother on this Mother's Day 2010.
A Psalm of Love
Thank you for children
brought into being
because we loved.
God of love
keep us loving
so that they
may grow up whole
in love's overflow.
-Joseph Bayly
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Comments
"It sounds foolish to justify the arrival of another Bayly. . ."
I don't get it. Is this referring to Taylor or did I miss some really big news?
I believe that we will have the number of children that God ordains.
Scripture tells us that God open and closes the womb.. so no matter birth control or no birth control God will see to it that His plan will be fulfilled.
So I think we can trust that those who desire a small family do so because that desire is placed in them by a sovereign God and those that desire a large family by birth of adoption do so at the prompting of God
Terry, by that logic, those who desire *anything* and do it are following God's prompting. Say, for example, that I desire a husband instead of a wife. Was that desire placed in me by a sovereign God?
Should we really blame God for our own sinful lack of faith?
His command is clear. "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth."
His blessing is clear." Psalms 127:3-5 “Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed When they speak with their enemies in the gate.”
Yes, God is sovereign. It is not surprising that when we refuse to trust him concerning children, he doesn't give us this blessing.
I was wondering that as well, Adam.
By the way, Tim, I am very glad to see you pick up on one of my key harping points -- the hand that rocks the cradle . . .
Kamilla
I love this and know the scriptures are very clear about childbearing and our purpose here on earth. One thing I find interesting in this 'quiverful' movement that has been sweeping churches for some time now, is the absence of direction for women regarding submitting to their own husbands and not leading their men in any way. I say this because although an article can be written by a man, possibly even directed to men, once something reaches outside the gates of a home or local fellowship, the direction for women can be unclear. So many women today are not taught the scriptures regarding not leading their homes and not taught to submit to their own husbands in manners such as these. It is sad that there are men that can be led by their wives, and then become resentful and bitter and the end can even be as horrific as separation or divorce that is rooted in the disagreement regarding how many children a couple should bear/take in. I so love seeing God's word preached, but it's almost remiss to not include the words to women, since many women read these articles and possibly not in the presence of their husbands.
Thank you for loving the Lord Jesus and sharing His truth!
That was a great post. Thank you.
Thank you for writing this! SO many churches today are not addressing this issue at all. I am a mother of 8 children--our little Miss Kara Faith left us 10 weeks ago. They are ALL blessings! They sure help us work on our sanctification, too.
Tim (and friends),
Shawna began this mother's day by taking a pregnancy test. WooHoo! A fifth Wilson is on the way.
God is good,
If I might draw a connecting line between this issue and past discussions on church discipline:
* Suppose there is a married couple in your fellowship who have made it clear that they don't want any children.
* Suppose there is a married couple in your fellowship who have one child and have made it clear that they don't want any more children.
Would either or both situations be regarded as grounds for asking the couples to leave the church? I have been exploring the church discipline issue recently for other reasons, and therefore wonder if its reach would extend into this area. Criticisms of the question welcome.
"Would either or both situations be regarded as grounds for asking the couples to leave the church?"
Dear Ross,
It is important to realize that church discipline does not equal asking people to leave the church. All of our interaction with one another in a church has an element of discipline. Think of all the commands to "encourage one another," "admonish one another," "stimulate one another to love and good deeds," "edify one another," "rebuke one another," etc.
So, yes, a couple that is devoted to fruitlessness should be disciplined in that sense. They should be "stimulated to love and good deeds"!
While I agree with what was written, it is very easy to fall into judging couples who only have one child as not trusting God. Let's all remember that some couples can not conceive, or sustain a pregnancy once they conceive or only conceive once and that's it. These are couples who may be very private not wishing to discuss why they only have one or non, but are hurt because they desire more children and are unable to and find themselves judged by other Christians.
Dear LP,
Yes, and single people can be offended when we talk about what the relationship between a husband and wife ought to look like. And they can feel judged.
I assume you are not proposing that we stop talking about anything that some people can't have.
The truth is that we need to correct the desires of a lot of people to be biblical. Doing so should not cause those who already desire that correct thing to have their feelings hurt. They should delight that others are coming to a proper desire just as they themselves did at some point.
In truth, it is *much* more common to see Christians judging the couple that "recklessly" had 4 children than the couple that had the cultural norm of 1 or 2.
I say this assuming that, like me and my wife, you or a close friend of yours desire more children than God has given you. I would encourage anybody who is facing this to turn to the Bride of Christ for prayer and support, rather than keeping it private. This is a burden, and the Church is commanded to bear one another's burdens. It can't happen if we won't tell one another what our burdens are.
If keeping it private makes others judge us, or makes us feel judged, then every time it comes up, we are going to feel more judged. So it is natural then, to want others to stop talking about it. But surely you see that this is not a proper solution.
With love,
-Joseph
"Sin often disguises itself as virtue"
This is a true statement worthy of all acceptance!
LP,
My wife and I had a sneaking suspicion that we couldn't conceive back in our seminary days - back when having a child would've been.. um... inconvenient in light of our plans for graduate school abroad.
Fortunately, God drew us out of that environment and into a church where "children are a blessing" was believed and not just spoken and some dear brothers and sister with high school educations and 6+ children helped us to see the beauty of a life given to raising godly children in the Lord and not traipsing all over Europe doing research on Reformation-era views of the family.
Imagine our shock, then, when doctors told us "You will never have children." As I write this, two of my four formerly-orphaned children, abandoned at the hospital by indigent but caring mothers in New Delhi, are playing at my feet and one is reading Scripture. Because of some excellent teaching on the sovereignty of God, the role of affliction in the Christian's life (as in, "It is the grace of God to you...") and some dear friends, I don't think we've ever felt the Lord's presence MORE or walked more closely with him, than when we discovered the infertility that's led to great fruitfulness, God be praised.
Love, Matt
Regarding LP's comment, if you ask someone who is "less fruitful" about the matter, and volunteer to pray for fruitfulness--or offer sympathy in the case that she must abstain from childbearing because it would likely kill or maim her--you will quickly find you have a friend.
BTW, congratulations, Eric & Shawna!
>>BTW, congratulations, Eric & Shawna!
Dear Eric and Shawna,
Yes, absolutely. In our early service, we all rejoiced with you.
Love,
This is a great article. Having large families is great and I know many people with large families who do it well. However, I think the biggest and most common issue people have with large families are those who continually have children and live off the government as a LIFESYLE. The working man is paying for their families groceries, medical bills and so on... That is not scriptural nor is it a testimony to neighbors who see the daily lack of work ethic. So, if having a large family is for you, great! Do it! Be responsible! Be a testimony with the way you do it!
Beautiful post! It is so sad and tragic to see how the culture of death has infected the world. John Paul II Theology of the Body is a great resource in teaching couples and those who have the vocation to marriage what it means to give of the self in marriage. Children are living images of the communion between the mother and father and as such are beings that come forth from communion and are beings ordered toward communion, not only with others but most especially with the living God who is Being In Communion. It is interesting that the first negative stated, prior to the Fall, in Holy Scripture is, "It is not good for man to be alone."
Well written article. Thanks for sharing.
In spite of the fact that Children are a blessing...and not a curse...which I believe wholeheartedly. I still believe the truth of the statement, "Parents shouldn't have more children than they can care for properly." Some people are simply not capable.... mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually to do the barest minimum let alone "care properly" for their children. I don't think anyone should fault them for limiting their family size. Matthew 19:12 states, "For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it."
If it is possible to become a eunuch to advance the kingdom of heaven...then sterilization is not an issue. Our daughters have seven children each. They and their husbands are great parents and are doing a fabulous job with their families. We are thrilled with each new grandchild, and see each one as a wonderful blessing. Still, I would not encourage them to have more children any more than I would frown on them limiting their fertility by means of sterilization.
I believe that we should be focussing on spiritual fruitfulness. In Matthew 25 where Jesus tells final summation and the separating the sheep from the goats, He doesn't commend people for producing human offspring....but for the spiritual fruit of feeding, housing, clothing, visiting and caring for those in need.
Food is a blessing...to be received with thanksgiving....but we had better limit ourselves or it will kill us. The hoary head of old age is a blessing...but it is foolishness to try to extend our lives indefinitely by any and every means. Father gives us many great gifts and it is wonderful to receive them with thanksgiving and praise...but it is wrong to link them in any way with our own sense of righteousness. Righteousness is also is a gift which must be received. Our own is as filthy rags.
Shirley, I'm under the impresssion that most people get a vasectomy or tubal, not outright castration for the Kingdom of God, no?
Your argument runs into some difficulty in 1 Corinthians 7.....
Great article! Thank you! I get so tired of "christians" questioning scripture because the culture says something different. Shouldn't christians be questioning the culture and how they are living according to scripture? We are pregnant with our 6th blessing. And even though our families go on and on about what great parents we are they still want us to stop having children. It is bad enough to have complete strangers say rude things but your own family's hurtful words go deep! Any argument against this is just simply lack of faith and selfishness! I have become a better wife, mother,and follower of Christ with every child because I have had to lean more on Him. @Lori as far as people living off of the government as a lifestyle.....those people are not trusting God to meet their needs the are trusting "Ceasar". They are not having children because children are a blessing. They get more money with every child. Those people are not trying to fill their "quiver". They are trying to fill their pockets. Not even a comparison.
I've found as a mom with a lot of littles (and one of shirley's girls :) ) - that you don't really know what you can handle. God does. When i had one child, i could handle one child. When God blessed us with a second one, He also gave me what i needed. He is faithful and along with the calling gives us richly all things so that we may abound ;) in His calling. Not that His plan always looks like peaches and cream - but to those He has called to "come and die" like Dietrich wrote, He gives grace and faith, and i trust that whatever He calls me to, He will provide exactly what i need to do the job to His satisfaction. HE is a good father :)
Mr. Bayly, thank you for an insightful post. So many good points. I see children as a gift of stewardship, and who are we to say no to God when He wants us to be good stewards of more?
Can you please tell me the source (book, onine article, magazine article) where you found the quote by Luther (fifth paragraph from the end)? I need that specific quote and reference, including page number,in my research. (Please email me soon at the address I shared in making this comment.)
Thank you for any help you can give ... and may God bless you and your family.
>>Can you please tell me the source (book, onine article, magazine article) where you found the quote by Luther (fifth paragraph from the end)?
I've sent Ms. Wilson the citation privately. Her request reflects a common error or prejudice, that blogs are not trustworthy and thus cannot be cited.
This is what legacy publishers would like everyone to believe, but it's not true. Many blogs are even more dependable than printed sources because blogs have to defend their text immediately and publicly. Publishers have no such accountability--unless, that is, one publishes a book that is critically reviewed. But the percentages are hugely against any book making that elite group.
So when you want a citation for something written here, quote Baylyblog. It will make a statement that you trust us to be accurate in quoting (for instance, here) the Reformers.
Thanks,
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