"Friends with benefits..."

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I came across this tragic reflection on the breakup of a relationship while casually following links on several blogs that linked to here.

The female author of this post reflects at various points in her blog about the recent breakup of her first sexual relationship with a man. Finally, this post, the most recent, posted July 31.


how to say this?

reed came over to watch a movie friday, and i was happy for two reasons. one, i really was glad that we seemed to be doing so well as friends and two, of course, i had a secret and mostly not-allowed-by-self hope that we might get back together.

after drinking a little and watching the movie, he asked how i thought being friends was going. this was unusual, since he never wanted to talk about the relationship when we were together, so i assumed he was asking because he wanted to tell me that he was seeing someone new. i told him i was still attached, and that probably even if it was a long time coming, i would be sad when he started seeing someone else. i also told him he didn't have to feel guilty about that, and didn't need to feel pity or anything like that.

he then said "well, since you've been so honest, i'll be honest and tell you why i asked."

and he said: "i was hoping you weren't attached anymore so that we could be special friends"

i couldn't even speak for quite some time. he said, brightly even, "i'm sorry i didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, should i go?"

i finally asked him to clarify "you mean fuckbuddies."

he said:

"i think it could be beneficial for both of us to be friends with benefits."

"it will be a long time before either of us finds someone new, and we can deal with that when it comes."

i asked if he was over me completely, then. he said yes.

when i said i was insulted, he was genuinely surprised.

i really, really, really wanted to say yes, and was insulted at the same time. i felt like i was suddenly surrounded by a void. i really wanted to say yes. and then i showed him to the door.

he seemed upset, and said he still wanted to be friends, and gave me a hug, while i stood holding the door open.

i only cried for a couple hours.

there is, of course, a positive way to look at this. i was right, and now i know it. the whole reason i felt we had to split was because i felt like he didn't really like me that much, and because i felt slightly used and like for him only one thing mattered in the relationship.

and i felt so guilty about thinking that... and i wondered if i was wrong and had made a huge mistake.

i still don't understand how someone so nice, and thought of a so nice by everyone, could think that that was an ok thing to say to me. i am trying to understand his perspective and see how he thought it could be good, and not something hurtful to me. i know he didn't mean it to be hurtful.

but now i know, at least, even if i don't understand. i was right, again. that was all that mattered... it wasn't me, it was how i look and that i was nice. but it wasn't me.

Several concluding thoughts....

1) Feminism is a damnable lie. In telling young women they can "have it all" without negative consequences, feminists kill. They kill spiritually. They kill emotionally. They kill physically. Feminists--male and female--hate true womanhood. They reduce women to physical bodies far more rapidly and thoroughly than any male chauvinist. There's no feminine feminist. They're all butch, sex-pursuing women or misogynist, sex-pursuing men.

2) We must train for a return to honor and chivalry in young Christian men. The cad who asked this woman to be his sexual plaything has no god beyond his belly. He's the age-old man who throws his children into the red-hot hands of Molech. If he's not done so yet, it's only because so far birth control has worked for him. America asks nothing of her children and she gets back from it men who are nothing. It is shameful for a man to have sexual relations with a woman he has no intention of marrying.

3) In an age which celebrates woman as aggressor--both in fantasy war movies and in real-life sexual encounters--Christians must not fall for the public fallacy of the all-powerful female dominatrix. Women may be pursuing men, they may be soliciting men in bars and dorms, they may be interrogating prisoners in Guantanamo Bay, but they're the ones who are ultimately suffering and imprisoned.

God made woman both man's helpmeet and a weaker vessel. Take a weaker vessel and load it with the burdens of the stronger vessel and you don't get a stronger vessel. You get a broken weaker vessel.