Femininity & modesty

I came across this tragic reflection on the breakup of a relationship while casually following links on several blogs that linked to here.

The female author of this post reflects at various points in her blog about the recent breakup of her first sexual relationship with a man. Finally, this post, the most recent, posted July 31.

well

how to say this?

reed came over to watch a movie friday, and i was happy for two reasons. one, i really was glad that we seemed to be doing so well as friends and two, of course, i had a secret and mostly not-allowed-by-self hope that we might get back together.

after drinking a little and watching the movie, he asked how i thought being friends was going. this was unusual, since he never wanted to talk about the relationship when we were together, so i assumed he was asking because he wanted to tell me that he was seeing someone new. i told him i was still attached, and that probably even if it was a long time coming, i would be sad when he started seeing someone else. i also told him he didn't have to feel guilty about that, and didn't need to feel pity or anything like that.

he then said "well, since you've been so honest, i'll be honest and tell you why i asked."

and he said: "i was hoping you weren't attached anymore so that we could be special friends"

Joseph her husband, being a righteous man... (Matthew 1:20a)

This Christmas, let's remember motherhood is utter vulnerability. The Virgin Mary was quite young when she became pregnant--likely thirteen or fourteen. When her belly swelled it was scandalous. Her beloved Joseph would have quietly divorced her had not the angel of the Lord reassured him that Mary was still a virgin and her pregnancy was of the Holy Spirit.

Trying to imagine the turmoil Mary's motherhood caused in ancient Palestine, we could bring it into our own day and ask how long it was before her pregnancy was obvious enough that everyone knew? And once they knew, did Mary's evident shame cause her loved ones to leave off the normal support given a young bride and young mother? Did anyone give Mary a shower? If so, was it a wedding or baby shower? Did Mary tell everyone she was going to have a boy?

Under the headline, "Mark of a Woman," BBC NEWS comments on Britney Spears' shaved head, asking:

So why is hair - particularly long hair - viewed as such a defining part of a woman and inextricably linked to femininity?

Followers of Jesus have been presented with a wonderfully evangelistic opportunity, here. Speak up, brothers and sisters! His Word is truth:

But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ. 4 Every man who has something on his head while praying or prophesying disgraces his head. 5 But every woman who has her head uncovered while praying or prophesying disgraces her head, for she is one and the same as the woman whose head is shaved. 6 For if a woman does not cover her head, let her also have her hair cut off; but if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, let her cover her head. 7 For a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. 8 For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; 9 for indeed man was not created for the woman's sake, but woman for the man's sake. 10 Therefore the woman ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels. 11 However, in the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. 12 For as the woman originates from the man, so also the man has his birth through the woman; and all things originate from God. 13 Judge for yourselves: is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? 14 Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a dishonor to him, 15 but if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her? For her hair is given to her for a covering. 16 But if one is inclined to be contentious, we have no other practice, nor have the churches of God. (1 Corinthians 11:1-16).

John Eldredge hit the big time with his book romanticizing risk called Wild at Heart. More recently, he and his wife, Stasi, have written another book for the fairer sex titled Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. Here's a good review of Captivating by a young couple from our congregation, Joel and Chris Klein. If someone you love is being captivated by the Eldredges, you'll find the Kleins very helpful...

Why, look at us! Check it out! We have women deacons. Unordained, of course, but women they are and they do everything our male deacons do--disciple, teach, cast vision. Look at us! Check it out! We have women serving the elements at the Lord's Table. Women, mind you! Aren't we forward-looking and progressive? Can't you iPod joggers settle into this comfy chair? We've made it just for you. No fuddy-duddy patriarchs holding us down or setting us back. We've captured the center of the city because we're the only ones that can do it without making asses of ourselves. Look at us! Check us out! We do art. We write music. We have important people who are rich in our congregation. And they respect us because they know we can be trusted to think through the implications of Scripture for our time and culture without falling into the many errors of past centuries. You know, errors like fuddy-duddy thinking about women in leadership.

(Tim) For most of the first ten years of pastoral ministry, I served in a denomination whose polity required each church to elect female elders in proportion to the number of females in the congregation. Also, every pastoral search committee was required to sign an EEO-type contract promising they would give equal consideration to women for their pastoral position. So I’ve had experience working with women elders within the local congregation, as well as female pastors and elders at the presbytery (regional) and general assembly (national) levels. There were some wise and godly women elders within our congregations (I had a yoked parish of two churches), and still today my wife and I are close to several of these sisters in Christ.

And yet, wise and godly women placed in the position of elder are tenaciously focused on the protection of relationships within their congregation. It is both their strength and weakness that they want to deny or postpone any threat to relationships, even when the good of the larger household of faith would be put at risk by inaction or the postponement of discipline...

(Tim, w/thanks to Brian) If you, good reader, have never read G. K. Chesterton's essays on womanhood; if you've never allowed yourself to think thoughts contrary to our culture concerning woman's unique calling; if you've never noticed the patronizing attitude of evangelical feminists toward godly women of the church who cook, wash the feet of the saints, show hospitality, teach other women and children, and pray; if you've never taken particular notice of the transfer of charity from Christian women confessing their faith to well-paid female executives running nonprofits or working for government bureaucracies; if you've never had a wealthy female church member who serves as a county supervisor tell you not to worry about the poor in your community because "that's what we pay taxes for;" if you haven't noticed how the loss of constitutional government in these United States has produced bondage and bloodshed for her citizens; if you have never found yourself sickened over the naked pandering at the heart of every state of the union address and every campaign speech of our time; if you didn't hang out in the church parking lot yesterday, basking in the warm sunshine of an early Fall afternoon as you listened to a missionary couple's son explain...

(Tim, w/thanks to Kamilla) Since moving to Bloomington, I've often read aloud to one of my younger brothers or sisters in Christ, seeking to innoculate them against this or that part of our cultural decadence. Scripture always and foremost. But also Bonhoeffer (Life Together). Calvin. Kierkegaard (Attack Upon Christendom). A. A. Milne. The "Preliminary Principles" from America's first Presbyterians. Blamires. Baxter. Bayly--Dad of course. Sayers...

In frequency and zeal, though, my use of Chesterton far surpasses the others. For the lies popular among young men and women today, particularly those being propagandized on university campuses, Chesterton is God's man on the spot. Specifically, no one does a better job of exposing feminism's humorless and bloody corpse.

Among Chesterton's essays, read "The Drift from Domesticity" found in The Thing. (You'll find the full text at the bottom of this post.)

Sit your mother down; call your daughter or wife; read it to the woman of your love right now. You'll both laugh with delight.

Then buy Chesterton's What's Wrong With the World and read the essays comparing the work of husbands and wives, fathers and mothers. You'll never again think big thoughts about business and small thoughts about motherhood. Chesterton will have given you a lifelong innoculation against such stupidity.

All this comes to mind with this from Australia recording the growth in love for the household arts among women there. Now that's good news!

By the way, when I recommend Chesterton, people occasionally get a look of horror on their faces and inform me that he's Roman Catholic and hates Calvin...

(Tim) IU's half-naked cheerleaders make a much more prominent appearance at the games when you're there in person than watching on the television. And the prostrating themselves to the IU flag that's a staple of every game at Assembly Hall, it's hard not to think of them as something approximating cult prostitutes. This is one reason Taylor and I love going to IU soccer games. No feminine tease intricately woven between plays. Just straight soccer without interruption for ninety minutes. It's this way with international soccer, too. No cheerleaders. No women giving sideline color. No ads. Just soccer--straight up.

Speaking of which, Taylor passed on this link to an ESPN Page 2 article on a Pentecostal school in southwestern Tennessee where modesty extends to the men's basketball team.

(Tim, but written by Curt--an Evangelical Free pastor and dear friend of mine) I have noticed a trend that I find to be instructive and disturbing. Over the course of my pastoral ministry, I have been approached by a steady stream of women who are upset with the church and more specifically its men for not chastising their husbands for some spiritual problem or lack of spiritual qualities. Typically, I have taken such criticism to heart, admitting that we have not done enough to hold men accountable. Clearly, this has not been an area of strength in today's church.

But lately, my thinking has shifted. I have found myself being defensive about our church and its men. I see them as being faithful in modeling, and preaching, and teaching, and mentoring, and confronting, and offering assistance, and even hand holding when necessary. Time and again, they have given of themselves, often at the expense of their own families to help others. And yet, I've noticed that the criticism comes the next time as if no help had been provided or offered in the past.

(Tim, w/thanks to the godly mothers, daughters, and wives of Church of the Good Shepherd who obey Titus 2) This is the second installment in a series of e-mails I received from several women of our congregation advising me what to say on the subject of raising daughters to a class on childrearing held here at CGS.

* * *

Girls need both a mother and a father actively involved in their lives. Dads are immensely important in raising young women. A young woman ought to feel so securely loved by her father that she does not need to prematurely seek the affection of a boy. This means dad needs to give his daughter plenty of time, attention, and hugs. From how her dad treats her mom, she will learn what to expect from her future husband. If the daughter learns to respectfully submit to her father's care and instruction, it will be easier for her to lovingly, respectfully submit to her future husband.

To the woman He said, “I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you will bring forth children (Genesis 3:16a)

(Tim) One mother who recently gave birth to her first child wrote this meditation on the pain of childbirth, woman's curse from our Heavenly Father. Thank God for this mother and every other woman who is not ashamed of her sex, but gives herself to it as an act of faith and courage. How I love and praise God for these women that surround us as we do the work of husbandry in the home, church, and public square! "The woman is the glory of man."

* * *

Thank you ______ for this testimony of motherhood... I had similar thoughts of the "pain in childbirth" part of the curse until this past year.

Even after I realized that the whole pregnancy was included in "childbirth," I think I still thought that once I got through labor and delivery, I would be done with the pain of childbearing. Almost every day, I realize how wrong that is, but I started to learn that lesson in my first days after delivery...

This particular issue's cover article details how, over the past thirty years, homemakers have been forced to subsidize the lives of privilege lived by other women who have forsaken marriage, the home, and childbearing for degrees and professions.

Professional women with salaries high enough to allow them to pay for day care and still turn a profit have not simply been content to leave their homemaking sisters behind, but have built their lifestyle on the backs of those sisters and their hardworking husbands. To anyone who matters, these homemakers are invisible.

Equal Employment Opportunity laws have piled up a legacy of systemic injustice throughout the wage earning world, leaving half the fairer and weaker sex to raise the children the other half will depend upon for their Medicare and Social Security payments when their life of childless privilege is drawing to an end. Meanwhile, the husbands of these housewives and mothers are in free-fall, trying to support the mother of their children as she gives herself to work that, despite those bright boys and girls in Economics Departments, still hasn't shown up on their gross domestic profit tally sheets...

Then to Adam He said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife... (Genesis 3:17).

(Tim) A thought likely obvious to the rest of you came to me on Mother's Day.

Every man who is a feminist is so because he desires to avoid the weight of glory God has placed on him.

A father doesn't want to do the hard work of vetting his daughter's choice of a husband, so he pays for her degrees and establishes her in a profession where she'll be impervious to any husband's future failures. A husband doesn't want to do the hard work of silencing his wife in the church, so he argues that women need a place at the table, too, and that good churches will enfranchise women's voices. Elders don't want to do the hard work of training their daughters how to dress modestly and conduct themselves in a feminine manner, so they condemn all efforts to teach and encourage modesty or feminine deference within the church as legalism, patronization of women, and masculine insecurity.

Any interface between godliness and femininity is the precise place where our man-feminist stands proclaiming his righteousness and others' sin. He is enlightened and others are antediluvian. He is tolerant and others are insecure. He is graceful and others legalistic. He is confident of his sexuality and others quivering in fear...

(Tim, w/thanks to Jesse) I never read which books are making which Christians how much money, nowadays. Growing up in the epicenter of Wheaton's giggling excitement over academic and publishing fashions, it's been almost twenty years since I made the commitment to stop subscribing to Christianity Today and Leadership, and to keep away from any and all news sources reporting on the latest product being offered by the Temple's moneychangers.

But I get links. Boy do I get links. And every now and then, against my better judgment, I take a peek. Shouldn't, but do. So here's a video of a self-promotional spiel given by Ms. Custis James to the Religious Newswriters Association. They say the topic was "The New Calvinists," but after the first half, Ms. Custis James' talk inevitably turns back to the one string she perpetually plucks to the exclusion of her harp's other ten thousand strings...

(Tim) Watching men in dresses gives me the same kick I get watching women march in uniform on the parade ground or run up the basketball court. But of course, thirty years ago I would have been all for them.

Ah, but I was so much older then.

I'm younger than that now.

(Tim, w/thanks to many) Joel Northrup wrestles for Linn-Mar High School in Marion, Iowa. Wrestling's big in Iowa--something like football in Massilon, Ohio--and Joel had done very well, making it to state. But lightning struck.

Joel drew Cassy Herkelman as an opponent and decided to forfeit. He released this statement explaining his decision:

I have a tremendous amount of respect for Cassy and Megan (Black, the tournament’s other female entrant) and their accomplishments. However, wrestling is a combat sport and it can get violent at times. As a matter of conscience and my faith, I do not believe that it is appropriate for a boy to engage a girl in this manner. It is unfortunate that I have been placed in a situation not seen in most of the high school sports in Iowa.

Is anyone surprised a young man who's retained some modicum of sexual modesty today is a homeschooler? Is anyone surprised the secularists consider this...

Please VOTE!!

Under another post, a longtime reader named Jay asks a question that seems worth answering on the main page.

* * *

Dear Jay,

Answering a question like this by writing rather than in person is very difficult, pastorally. How can I show you I love you and am very concerned that you know the mercy of God for your particular set of temptations, especially in a time and place when any condemnation of sodomy is seen as at least shrill, and likely smug, insensitive, and grounded in self-righteousness, to boot?

Still, I will work to answer you because you say others are unwilling to do so, and because you are a precious soul belonging to the Lord of us all Who bought us each with His Own Blood and has called us to be holy as He is holy. If you want, I can put you in touch with those struggling with your particular set of temptations who are a part of our church here in Bloomington and you may ask them if what I write here is from love or censoriousness? You may ask whether you’d find our church to be loving of all regardless of their particular besetting sin, or loving only of those with more acceptable besetting sins?

So on to the difficult work others have avoided.

You wrote, “I would not consider myself heterosexual at all. Is being straight a requirement?”

Let’s clarify the question. The opposite of straight is gay, so another way of asking the question would be, “My psychological and emotional identity and inclinations are completely homosexual, so can I be give in to them as long as I don’t go all the way?” Or another way of saying it would be, “May I give myself to gayness rather than straightness in everything but physical intercourse, and will this please God?”

The answer is...

This Slate piece working to understand how Michele Bachmann's presidential candidacy can be harmonized with Christian sexuality is another proof of what Jesus said, that "the sons of this age are more shrewd in relation to their own kind than the sons of light" (Luke 16:8). Slate turns to the "influential" Council on BIblical Manhood and Womanhood to do the parsing for them and here is their description of CBMW's position:

...the civic sphere is distinct from home and church and governed by different rules, (CBMW reasoned), and if the Bible didn't explicitly "prohibit [women] from exercising leadership in secular political fields," neither would they.

Slate points out that CBMW's "compromise was an uneasy one" quoting the New York Times which labelled the compromise "soft patriarchalism."

It's hard to tell what, exactly, the notion of wifely submission means in marriages where the wife in question has a high-powered career outside of the home. Last year's New York Times Magazine piece on female evangelical leaders described these unions as enacting a "soft patriarchalism."

Here's a principle I've learned in living for God. If you think you can negotiate with the Devil...

Here's a post sampling the sort of music here being discussed. Check it out, then read this discussion. Or the other way around.

Here's an e-mail exchange between our Pastor for Music and Worship, Jody Killingsworth, and another church musician outside our church. The subject is men leading worship.

Yes, some readers are sceptical of the entire enterprise. The effeminacy of androgyny has taken over our culture whole-hog, leaving even the vows of wedding ceremonies neutered. Tragically, otherwise Biblical churches think and act as if men and women are interchangeable in everything but the Sunday morning pulpit and Thursday evening session meeting. Here, though, we'll assume the worthiness of the work under discussion and leave those unconvinced to argue over it somewhere else.

So, assuming men--not women--should lead the corporate worship of the church; and also that those men should lead from their manliness; what are the steps to be taken? (The e-mail has been redacted to protect the guilty.) (TB)

Dear Jody,

What are the essential elements of "masculine worship?"

Here is the Majority Report of the Presbyterian Church in America General Assembly's Ad Interim Study Committee on Women in the Military whose recommendations were adopted by General Assembly in 2002. Being this report's principal author, naturally I commend this document to our readers. If biblical Christians today studied this report and by faith embraced its doctrine of Creation Order sexuality, it would be a significant step toward the restoration of the unity of the Church. Too, these United States would again have salty salt and lighty light in the public debate raging over the meaning and purpose of sexuality. (TB)

* * *

MAN’S DUTY TO PROTECT WOMAN

We, the undersigned, endorse the Consensus Report, while realizing that Report lacks unity on the crucial matter of whether the recommendations it contains constitute the church’s wise counsel or a Christian’s scriptural duty. Believing that this is a matter of scriptural duty, we have joined together in writing this report to the end that we might set forth with confidence and clarity the full counsel—both New and Old Testaments—of the Word of God concerning this matter. Our report attempts to summarize three areas of evidence, as follows:

First, God the Father wages war in defense of Israel, His Bride; Christ our Savior fights to the Death defending His Bride, the Church; the Holy Spirit calls men as officers to guard and protect His Bride; the duty to protect the Garden of Eden and the warning not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was given by God to Adam; husbands protect their wives, not wives their husbands. Thus we are taught the binding nature of man’s duty to guard and protect his home and wife.

Second, woman is the weaker sex and part of her weakness is the vulnerability attendant to her greatest privilege—that God has made her the “Mother of all the living.” Men are to guard and protect her as she carries in her womb, gives birth to, and nurses her children.

Third, we are to renounce every thought and action which tends towards a diminishment of sexual differentiation since God made it and called it “good.” [E.g. Scripture’s injunctions concerning women exercising authority over men (1 Timothy 2), women or men wearing clothing of the opposite sex (Deuteronomy 22:5), sodomy (Leviticus 20:15-16), etc.] Rather than a stingy attitude which minimizes sexuality’s implications, we ought to rejoice in this, His blessing.

It is our conviction that these areas, taken together, provide a clear and compelling scriptural rationale for declaring our church’s principled opposition to women serving in military combat positions.

When a man loves a woman, he will lay down his life to defend her, just as Christ loved His Bride and gave Himself up for Her. Men have proudly fulfilled this duty from time immemorial, demonstrating what A. A. Hodge in his commentary on the Westminster Confession of Faith referred to as the law of nature, common to all nations, that is “unchanged” to this present day. Dying for their wives, regenerate and unregenerate men have done “by nature (the) things required by the law.”[1]

Hodge divides the Old Testament law into four categories...

This past October 1st, we were blessed with a fly-by visit from Father Bill Mouser and his wife, Barbara. On sexuality, if would be hard to do better than taking our churches through the Mousers' Five Aspects curriculum--Five Aspects of Man/Woman. My closest friend, Pastor Robert Woodyard, is using Five Aspects with men in his church and has found it excellent. Here at Clearnote Church, Bloomington we have a Saturday morning program...

(TB: This pic taken of my mother-in-law, Mrs. Ken (Margaret) Taylor, yesterday on the front lawn of her house in Wheaton was on the occasion of our celebration of Mom's ninety-fifth birthday. The following post first ran here on Baylyblog back in 2004. It is a tribute to Mom Taylor and David's and my mother, Mrs. Joe (Mary Lou) Bayly. Both are mothers in Israel and we give God thanks for them.)

My mother-in-law studied for her degree in Home Economics during the late '30s and early '40s, graduating summa cum laude from Oregon State University. After marrying her childhood sweetheart, she gave birth to 10 children in 14 years. Her husband, engaged for most of the years when the family was young as editorial director of a religious publishing house, brought home low wages, so frugality was a necessity and the degree served this young mother and her family well.

(TB: This post first ran on Baylyblog in 2004. It is a tribute to Mom Taylor and David's and my mother, Mary Lou Bayly. Both are mothers in Israel and we give thanks for them to our Heavenly Father. But of course, we also give thanks for our own wonderful wives! The tribute starts with a poem Dad wrote on the back of a Mother's Day card he gave to Mud just a couple years before his death. The reference to three and four at the end of the poem is Dad alluding to their three children who had already died and their four children who were still alive.) 

To M.L. (Mary Lou)

Mother’s Day, 1982

—to celebrate your creation of children

What a Holy Spirit calling:

To create an infant

within yourself

Your very inmost self—Nourish, protect, prepare

Then bring to birth

Nurse, feed

—run between stove and table in teenage—

Teach, discipline, hope, expect

Love

And all the while pray

with faith in God

Bring to safe harbor

through calm and storm

and monstrous waves

to wholeness

and useful life

on earth

in heaven

  That God should call

  three to live and serve there

  four to live and serve here

What a calling!

My mother-in-law studied for her degree in Home Economics during the late '30s and early '40s, graduating summa cum laude from Oregon State University. After marrying her childhood sweetheart, she gave birth to 10 children in 14 years. Her husband, engaged for most of the years when the family was young as editorial director of a religious publishing house, brought home low wages, so frugality was a necessity and the degree served this young mother and her family well.